Breathe

Last Monday I saw my GP for my increasing anxiety and depression. He was running late and by the time I got into his office the release of tension from waiting resulted in a small panic attack. No words were needed, he just handed me a tissue and waited until I calmed down and we discussed where to go from here.

We decided to try a different type of anti-depressant since the last two I had came with awful side effects, and he prescribed some calmatives because a spike in anxiety is a common side effect of anti-depressants and that was the last thing I needed. He also suggested a different psychologist who he thought would be a good fit for me and I left with a small glimmer of hope.

I was nervous filling my prescription and when the pharmacist called me over, she looked at me with such kindness and understanding I almost burst in to tears. It's amazing how many words one look can convey! She ran through each medication with me and sent me on my way with strict instructions to call with any questions.

I was an emotional wreck by the time I got home so I took half a calmative, an anti-depressant and crashed on the couch, which is where I stayed for the next 4 days while time just passed me by.

But I breathed. I relaxed. And I breathed some more. I got lost in music and I slept for hours every day. And breathed. Just breathed. Really breathed. Not the short, shallow breaths I normally take, through the crushing pressure on my chest and the churning of my stomach, being so caught up in my thoughts and emotions that sometimes I even forget to breathe. These breaths were long, and deep, and relaxed. I could feel my lungs filling and emptying, with no restrictions and boy was that amazing! I thought I could almost live on these things forever but while I was breathing, I wasn't connecting, I couldn't look after my family, couldn't drive, couldn't remember one minute to the next and basically couldn't function so I made the decision to stop, hoping that the worst was behind me, which it was, and that the anti-depressants had started doing their thing, which they hadn't.

In the height of my la la land phase, I saw my new psychologist and he was perfect. He had to remind me of everything we'd discussed at our second session but we absolutely clicked. By the time I left our second session yesterday, I was filled with hope, not just a glimmer but a big, shining light that will slowly start melting the hardness, the pressure, that will calm the churning and blow the negatives away.

And I can breathe again. And breathing is something I will never take for granted again.

Kristen xo